Yesterday we were driving the 2nd half of our trip from San Antonio to St. Louis, and we stopped at a Starbucks for obvious reasons, and also for lunch because there’s really very little to choose from that’s RV friendly in southeast MO. This Starbucks is actually an old McDonalds and it’s got that good school bus parking.
So I ordered a random assortment of egg sandwiches and egg bites (freaking LOVE those egg bites, you guys) and pumpkin bread. I will always order pumpkin bread. I re-loaded my Starbucks card on my app via my PayPal because that’s not even real money, right? PayPal money is imaginary money and imaginary money pays for all my Starbucks.
The total on my app, after I added $25 not real dollars came out to 33.08 also not real dollars.
The total of my order came out to… 33.08. WITCHCRAFT.
I seriously jumped out of my skin. OMG what was the universe trying to tell me? It bugged me. I should have been like, at least .02 off, making me have to load an additional $10 imaginary dollars onto the app. That’s how these things work. That’s life.
My anxiety makes me not trust good things. Like when life is really going well, I’m just totally terrified I’m being set up for mass destruction. In 2014, I rang in the new year with such a sense of doom for no reason other than my life was too good, my baby too healthy.
Anxiety is such an asshole that it won’t even let you enjoy things that shouldn’t cause anxiety.
It wasn’t just the perfectly matched bill and funds. I got news yesterday that I was nominated for an Iris Award for best photography, and right after that, a notification popped up that my Facebook name change had been approved- from Baby Rabies to Jill Krause. I fully expected to have to fight for that like all things dealing with Facebook. But nope, they just changed it. On top of all that, my mom got some great news about her health.
Sometimes a day that great has my brain going ALERT! DISASTER AHEAD! SHELTER IN PLACE! STAY IN YOUR PAJAMAS ALL DAY, DO NOT EVEN BRUSH YOUR TEETH!
So yesterday I was very intentional about letting myself feel good things, without thinking the universe was going to punish me for them. Wasn’t my intense panic attack last week enough? Surely I’ve already paid the price.
It turns out one of the best things about life, that I have to keep reminding myself, is we never repeat the same day twice. This helps with days that are bad and also days that are too good to be true. The bad ones will pass. The good ones are worth being present for.
Also, I guess I’m just going to have to go ahead and make “anxiety” it’s own category here. Gonna have to do it up real nice with a pretty photo and everything. I didn’t set out with that on my business and branding plan, but here I am: an anxiety blogger. Still sounds better than “mommy blogger.”
21 comments
Wait. I don’t understand the $33.08 thing?
Oh wait. I had to go re read it like 3 times.
I got it. Sorry. It’s been a long day.
LOL, no worries! Also, witchcraft, yes?
A good friend shared this with me today. It resonated… 🙂
https://www.urbandictionary.com/author.php?author=StrangeArtist
LOLOLOL YES
Not witchcraft, rather the coffee gods understand that you don’t need another thing to do
I’ll take it
Wait….it’s not just me??? OMG!!
The most ridiculous club!
I’m in a spot in my life where everything went wrong at once, and I’m just starting to see the light after 8 long months. (My dad died while I was on my way to file for divorce from a husband who chose my best friend….seriously country song worthy stuff). But I see the sun again. I’m killing it professionally, financially stablish, awesome kids. But I struggle to focus on that and get just bogged down in all the BS. It’s not anxiety. Just a funk. A reaaaaaaaaal long funk. I get you.
Ohhhhh girl, that’s a lot. That’s really heavy, and I’m so sorry. I hope that sun stays out a good long while for you.
This happens all the time to me, but we also tend to have “the other shoe drop”. We finally were getting on track after my husband got his degree last May and now I developed an ulcer, lost my job, found out our son has adhd and our daughter caught strep and influenza…all in the last month. I’d love a witchcraft day right about now!
Ugggh you so deserve one ❤️
There’s comfort in knowing that the weird ass anxiety moments come up for a lot of people… and it’s not just in my head. #slowlypanics
I’ve had anxiety all my life, add that to my crazy nurse superstition, and I’m always hesitant to trust good things. I called out of my L&D shift the other day (for the first time in 6+ months) for a “mental health day.” Well that TOTALLY backfired. Spent the entire day/night CONVINCED that I was then going to have to go into work because something would be wrong with my baby (I’m 31 weeks pregnant) and that it would be the universe punishing me. I was positive that as a punishment that something would go wrong and I’d have to not only go in to be checked but also have to face my coworkers while not really being sick. So my mental health day was spent full of anxiety and guilt and dread 🤦♀️
Anxiety is so hard. Even though I take meds for it. It still just moves on in and camps out. It caused me to freak out and cancel a job this morning. However I ended up having a kid down so it worked out?? At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I realize that you are a woman in her thirties, but reading your posts about anxiety help me understand my ten-year-Old son who has serious anxiety. This year has been really really rough for him. This post actually helps me understand the meltdowns that happen when we are planning on something positive like a vacation or a favorite restaurant or something. I’ve always /known/ that anxiety affects both the good and bad, but your post actually helped something click about a possible reason /why/, which helps me be more empathetic to him. Thank you!!!!!!
Anxiety is the same for me. So thank you for sharing. And you are a just like me blogger… mommy, wife, friend, woman, anxiety and all the other things. Even your struggle with changing your “name” to one not focused on babies is exactly how I’m feeling as my little one is less 4 and more 5 every day.
Anxiety is a bitch. Everyone thinks I’m so chill and nothing bothers me, which in a sense is true. Public speaking- never been a problem. Job interviews-piece of cake. Things people would consider insignificant paralyze me. In my head it’s a freaking non stop circus. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Worst case scenarios, impending doom, nightmares. The rational part of my brain knows it’s dumb but the anxiety riddled part always wins.
I have been following you as baby rabies for.e.ver. My son is a month younger than Kendall. I struggle with anxiety too and maybe there is just something in the air bc I have been so anxious in the last week with no real cause. I really think it just manifests on its own. But I know that feeling and will wake up sometimes like f- it’s here. The weight of the world on my chest for no reason. The part about anxiety not letting you enjoy things that should be great – makes me cry bc it’s so true. I have said depression makes me sad, but anxiety makes me just awful – my worry turning into anger and frustration bc I just want things wrapped up in a pretty little package so I can breathe. Anyway – it’s all gonna be ok. And yes – witchcraft. 100%
Thank you for that quote at the end. I really needed to hear that today.