Yesterday we were driving the 2nd half of our trip from San Antonio to St. Louis, and we stopped at a Starbucks for obvious reasons, and also for lunch because there’s really very little to choose from that’s RV friendly in southeast MO. This Starbucks is actually an old McDonalds and it’s got that good school bus parking.
So I ordered a random assortment of egg sandwiches and egg bites (freaking LOVE those egg bites, you guys) and pumpkin bread. I will always order pumpkin bread. I re-loaded my Starbucks card on my app via my PayPal because that’s not even real money, right? PayPal money is imaginary money and imaginary money pays for all my Starbucks.
The total on my app, after I added $25 not real dollars came out to 33.08 also not real dollars.
The total of my order came out to… 33.08. WITCHCRAFT.
I seriously jumped out of my skin. OMG what was the universe trying to tell me? It bugged me. I should have been like, at least .02 off, making me have to load an additional $10 imaginary dollars onto the app. That’s how these things work. That’s life.
My anxiety makes me not trust good things. Like when life is really going well, I’m just totally terrified I’m being set up for mass destruction. In 2014, I rang in the new year with such a sense of doom for no reason other than my life was too good, my baby too healthy.
Anxiety is such an asshole that it won’t even let you enjoy things that shouldn’t cause anxiety.
It wasn’t just the perfectly matched bill and funds. I got news yesterday that I was nominated for an Iris Award for best photography, and right after that, a notification popped up that my Facebook name change had been approved- from Baby Rabies to Jill Krause. I fully expected to have to fight for that like all things dealing with Facebook. But nope, they just changed it. On top of all that, my mom got some great news about her health.
Sometimes a day that great has my brain going ALERT! DISASTER AHEAD! SHELTER IN PLACE! STAY IN YOUR PAJAMAS ALL DAY, DO NOT EVEN BRUSH YOUR TEETH!
So yesterday I was very intentional about letting myself feel good things, without thinking the universe was going to punish me for them. Wasn’t my intense panic attack last week enough? Surely I’ve already paid the price.
It turns out one of the best things about life, that I have to keep reminding myself, is we never repeat the same day twice. This helps with days that are bad and also days that are too good to be true. The bad ones will pass. The good ones are worth being present for.
Also, I guess I’m just going to have to go ahead and make “anxiety” it’s own category here. Gonna have to do it up real nice with a pretty photo and everything. I didn’t set out with that on my business and branding plan, but here I am: an anxiety blogger. Still sounds better than “mommy blogger.”