My to-do list for nearly all of 2019 started with one simple task- blog. Blogging got me through the last decade. It kept me grounded and sane, and it gave me an incredible community. It was never a “task” before, but last year it became the most daunting to-do.
I didn’t dread the researched search engine optimized blog posts and the campaigns for brands nearly as much as the posts where I knew I needed to simply share a bit of myself here. And so, quite often, I didn’t complete that task unless there was a formula and a message to guide me, or- honestly- to hide behind.
2019 felt very raw and very new, like I shed an old skin.
When I scroll through the last 12 months of my Instagram feed, I see a lot of green- like the actual color. It’s a color I chose for rebranding as I jumped from Baby Rabies to Jill Krause, and it’s a color that showed up a lot in my photos. It wasn’t a conscious choice. I’m never that put together. It’s fitting in retrospect, though.
2019 was a year of new growth, like new green leaves on a familiar but stripped bare branch. The truth is that 2019 felt scary, and like I needed to protect my delicate and fragile new leaves.
After finally landing from our 16 month RV trip around the US and Canada, there was some serious adulting that had to be done, and adjustments to be made again. It was a lot for this Enneagram Type 7 to face down all the mundane and grown up shit that had to be taken care of when I couldn’t plan a weekly escape to another state, another national park, another country.
In the wake of that adventure, as we waited for pieces to land, as we prayed for jobs to come through, there was a lot of questioning and worry.
2019 was full of a lot of self doubt and way too many nights berating myself for what I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing.
There were so many nights I woke in a panic and had to tell my brain to shut up and to be nicer to my heart. So many days spent spinning my wheels. So many times I sat down to blog and realized all I wanted to do was vent. I was in such a raw place, though, that I couldn’t handle opening myself up to everyone.
I think I shared a lot more on Instagram Stories over the year because it felt like I could still connect with people who were there to support me, and friends who could keep me in check. But the blog just felt wide open and left my anxieties feeling exposed.
Also, the world is dealing with some very serious shit, and I am still better off than many people. My venting felt more like sad whining when I saw it typed out. I have so little to be truly sad about. Perspective.
Even now, this blog post hast taken me 48 hours of near total procrastination to write, and I don’t even know if I have a point other than to prove to myself that I can blog without making a point. I can write without checking off the SEO boxes.
I can be honest with you all about how scary the unknown has felt, and that doesn’t make our life decisions “bad.” It just makes our life decisions complex, like our complex lives.
It was so much easier to expose my flaws and my fears on this blog back when my footing felt more certain.
The truth about 2019 is everything in me and around me made me feel like I was walking on the edge of a cliff, and that was scary as fuck, but damn if I didn’t get better at balancing and not looking down.
P. S. After nearly a year of applications and interviews, Scott got an incredible job and we’re all thrilled. I’ll share more about it all soon.
- Itchy Skin Is Not What We Need Right Now - September 21, 2020
- Headaches: Why Do We Keep Shrugging Them Off When We Could Get Help? - August 21, 2020
- Showing My Scaffolding - August 19, 2020