I’m re-learning a lot these days. I’m tearing down facades and letting the scaffolding show. It reminds me that we don’t have to be pretty or finished to be strong, that we don’t have to be complete to be useful.
I’m showing up in this space again with just the simple intention of showing some of my scaffolding, and sharing some of my re-learning. I am giving myself permission to write while I’m in the middle of knowing, and not waiting until there is a message or a lesson I can tie things up with.
You may have noticed an absence on here. Maybe not. It dug at my heart each day, though. It has for years. Even when I was here, it was when I felt confident in the message I had to share, and that became a rarity. It’s much easier to share pieces of ourselves when they feel cemented on a solid foundation. It’s hard when you’re in the middle of a re-construction.
As I’ve moved through and out of the trench of new motherhood, I’ve felt less and less confident in myself- not so much as a mom, but as a woman. When my identity swirled around pregnancy and babies and breasts and sleepless nights that could be explained by teething, I found my community and I found myself.
But when that identity began to shift and be less about motherhood and more about womanhood, when my sleepless nights were because I woke in a panicked sweat at 4 am, I lost people, I lost my confidence, and I lost myself.
My anxiety over the last 4 years has pushed me to the brink and made me think terrifying things that have finally sent me running to my doctor for meds and a therapist to dig the fuck in.
I’m finally FINALLY digging in, and it’s hurts. And it’s HARD. And it’s not pretty, and it makes people uncomfortable. I’m nowhere near done. I’m a disaster. I’m tearing myself all the way to the studs and I don’t have pretty messages or funny stories to share with you right now.
But here I am, here is my scaffolding. I’m going to rebuild myself.
Just read Untamed by Glennon Doyle and I can not recommend it enough. Thank you to EVERYONE (there were SO many) who insisted I pick it up and make time to read it immediately. I enthusiastically pass that same advice onto all of you, ESPECIALLY if you feel an aching to tear yourself apart and rebuild right now.
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