I had a panic attack in Palm Springs last week.
Like, hot tingling, sweating palms, crushing feelings of impending doom.
It came out of nowhere as I listened to my friend Morgan talk to me about her new job. Literally nothing triggering from that conversation.
But it was on day 6 of being away from my family – certainly the longest stretch I’ve been away from all of them since we embarked on our full-time travel journey. It was after 5 nights of sleeping without a 2 year old next to me who snuggles up at least once or twice a night/morning to breastfeed.
I don’t know what caused it. I’m guessing it was hormones and also some unresolved issues I still need to work through – the trauma of Wallace’s seizures probably being a big one.
I got a Talk Space therapist. She’s delightful and she’s recommended some Texas psychiatrists who can help me maybe find a better medication or two.
My newest ebook should be ready for presale by now, but I’ve been so paralyzed by fear of failure. Like was Picture Play a one hit wonder? Will the Disney e-book get ripped to shreds by the “professional” Disney bloggers? THAT IS A RIDICULOUS SENTENCE, I KNOW. But also, this is honestly how my brain works- ridiculous or not.
Messiness makes me freeze. I know this now. I know that when my house gets messy, I wish so badly it wasn’t, but I also lack the ability to make it less messy if it’s too far gone. This is also true with other things in my life- my blog, my inbox. This transition from Baby Rabies to simply Jill Krause is messy and it’s going to take time to tidy up and make it all cohesive and sensical. I don’t have the luxury of ignoring it, but it’s an exhausting process.
I’m not sharing any of this for pity or compliments. I’m just sharing this because I vowed I’d own this new space and I’d be vulnerable here.
And because many times the only way to get through the mess is to just show up and do one small thing. That small thing today is to check off the box on my to-do list that says “share your heart every day, even when it feels insignificant.”
There is no overarching message here about anxiety and life’s messes. Just a maybe insignificant post that I had an anxiety attack in Palm Springs. And also my friend Morgan was my anxiety doula through all of it, and that should honest to God be an actual job.
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