I had a panic attack in Palm Springs last week.
Like, hot tingling, sweating palms, crushing feelings of impending doom.
It came out of nowhere as I listened to my friend Morgan talk to me about her new job. Literally nothing triggering from that conversation.
But it was on day 6 of being away from my family – certainly the longest stretch I’ve been away from all of them since we embarked on our full-time travel journey. It was after 5 nights of sleeping without a 2 year old next to me who snuggles up at least once or twice a night/morning to breastfeed.
I don’t know what caused it. I’m guessing it was hormones and also some unresolved issues I still need to work through – the trauma of Wallace’s seizures probably being a big one.
I got a Talk Space therapist. She’s delightful and she’s recommended some Texas psychiatrists who can help me maybe find a better medication or two.
My newest ebook should be ready for presale by now, but I’ve been so paralyzed by fear of failure. Like was Picture Play a one hit wonder? Will the Disney e-book get ripped to shreds by the “professional” Disney bloggers? THAT IS A RIDICULOUS SENTENCE, I KNOW. But also, this is honestly how my brain works- ridiculous or not.
Messiness makes me freeze. I know this now. I know that when my house gets messy, I wish so badly it wasn’t, but I also lack the ability to make it less messy if it’s too far gone. This is also true with other things in my life- my blog, my inbox. This transition from Baby Rabies to simply Jill Krause is messy and it’s going to take time to tidy up and make it all cohesive and sensical. I don’t have the luxury of ignoring it, but it’s an exhausting process.
I’m not sharing any of this for pity or compliments. I’m just sharing this because I vowed I’d own this new space and I’d be vulnerable here.
And because many times the only way to get through the mess is to just show up and do one small thing. That small thing today is to check off the box on my to-do list that says “share your heart every day, even when it feels insignificant.”
There is no overarching message here about anxiety and life’s messes. Just a maybe insignificant post that I had an anxiety attack in Palm Springs. And also my friend Morgan was my anxiety doula through all of it, and that should honest to God be an actual job.
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17 comments
<3. You are not alone. I'm now looking around at my current disaster looking for that 'one small thing' to check off my list.
I hope you found it! xoxo
Anxiety doula! YES!
Seriously! We should all know how to walk friends and loved ones through mental health episodes.
The people around me are key when I have panic attacks. I know Morgan is one of the best around. I’m glad you were together.
Often nothing triggers mine, either. Feel free to let me know if we’re ever in the same space & it happens. This is my reality and I’m always happy to doula the eff out of this nightmare for someone else. 💜
Thank you, Laurie! That means a lot. It was honestly so freaking bizarre and seemed totally out of nowhere. I mean, I had anxiety all week, but that’s kinda my reality right now. The panic attack was like a ninja.
This trip was imposter syndrome anxiety inducing for me. I am torn between wanting to be part of it all and wanting to watch from a screen. I hear you so loud and clear about the mess. Mine is mess/crossroads related and I wish I had a doula ❤️
It was really intense. Awesome in SO many ways but kinda hard for a lot of us in that imposter syndrome way, I think. I do want to go back next year, though! Hope to see you there. We can remind each other we’re total deserving badasses.
You are absolutely not alone! This Internet life involves putting ourselves out there again and again and again. It’s hard every time. HUGS AND SOLIDARITY. Also, Morgan is a peach.
Thank you so much, Asha! xoxo
Anxiety doulas should definitely be a thing. I’ve had friends be like, “What is wrong with you?” when I’ve had panic attacks before.
I’m totally serious, people should be trained in this.
[…] feel good things, without thinking the universe was going to punish me for them. Wasn’t my intense panic attack last week enough? Surely I’ve already paid the […]
Yes. I need an anxiety doula. Also…I don’t blog anymore but I would consider myself very knowledgeable about Disney (former Cast Member, travel agent, been there a ton, etcetcetc) and I am pretty pumped about your Disney e-book. Because I use Picture Play primarily on Disney photos so like…having even MORE tips to make those photos amazing is going to ROCK. And YOU are going to ROCK IT. I believe in you!
[…] don’t know the science behind it, but I do know when I was having my last panic attack in Palm Springs, my friend Morgan put an ice cold towel on my head and that seemed to help. So I’ll freeze an […]
[…] hindsight, I know that was a symptom of anxiety, and I know that one of the ways I can control my own anxiety is setting up systems that help me […]
[…] am not a laid back parent. I am anxious and jumpy and I care way too much about some […]